ACNE & ACUTANE

I've had issues with my skin for a long, long time but not so bad until I turned 18 and it would just get worse over the years... Being a makeup artist it was hurtful and frustrating to have people looking at my skeptically whenever I told them I did makeup for a living. As if they were thinking, "You? You do makeup? Not very well apparently..." I was trying to find the right makeup for my skin, but the problem was different makeups worked best at different times of the year so I would get to a point where I was transitioning and putting makeup on just make me look like I was trying to put cream on some scaly creature.

I was doing everything I could. I'd been using Pro-active for years and it never did anything except dry out my skin. I was constantly going to my dermatologist, trying everything. 
On top of that I was going to a cosmetologist who was trying all sort of things on my skin. Once a month we would do Beta lifts. When she put the acid on my skin it burned so badly that I would tear (and I have quite the tolerance for pain...) If you could see all of the products I had to put on my skin before I went to bed, when I woke up in the morning and pills that I would take throughout the day. I naturally love to drink water. My skin and my body soaks up moisture like a sponge. I constantly drank water like it was oxygen. I've always been incredibly healthy and careful when It comes to food I eat.

I exercised, ate well, drank water, kept my face clean, on all kinds of medicines and ointments but nothing worked. I would even swallow my pride and insecurities and not put any makeup on my skin for 4 weeks... and I would do this every so often (staying out of sight most of the time) but alas...no change.  I just wanted to hide. (As if I didn't feel enough shame already...)

Trying to explain what was going on with my skin was hard. People would say, "But you look so beautiful!" and "See you look great without makeup!" when they had no idea how many layers of cream I had on my face. You would be shocked.

My Mom's wedding a few years ago. As you can tell in this photo, I was nervous about my skin.

My skin would go in and out of peeling stages. There were times where I literally looked like a cracking porcelain doll. I even painted my face and outlined all of the natural cracks. All the highlighted peeling parts actually was my peeling skin. Honestly I belonged in the world of Death Becomes Her and desperately needed Bruce Willis' help... oh so badly...

My neck, my back, shoulders, even my chest were also inflamed and acne-ridden. Everyone had their suggestions.... always telling me to wash my face more, "use oil-free products! Drink lot's of water! Try not wearing makeup!" This would infuriate me...

I have to deal with a lot of issues, but body needs a lot of TLC but so does my head and my heart. Having to suffer from anxiety, depression and p.t.s.d. puts enough on my plate. (private issues that I never really talk about but eventually the truth has to come out so...I just revealed myself just a little bit) As well as other physical problems I'm having to deal with. But having painful, throbbing, peeling burning skin on my face and body, from acne and then the pain of acne treatments just made my plate just a little too full for me to handle. :( I hated my skin...

You can see Lulu behind me hiding in the pillows!

My dermatologist talked to me about Acutane. A controversial drug that has many, many risks and comes with a strict program involving a 3-step doctor visit/blood testing process that must be done before you get a brand new prescription every single month. It can be incredibly inconvenient, but If I had to get my blood drawn and give pregnancies tests every single month for the rest of my life I would. Because as sappy as this sounds... My skin feels free. No pain, no burning, no shame or embarrassment, just calm and free. I'm sure you get the point....

Now for the reveal. I'm very embarrassed to be showing my before photos... but I'm even more thankful that I now have soft, smooth, clean skin that isn't burning and painful.

Before:

(March 2011)

Taken after I had my first blood/pregnancy test the month before In order to be approved to get a prescription for Acutane.

After:

 Fresh out of the shower, I sat down in front of my computer and took this photo with Photo Booth.

Suffering with painful, relentless acne on top of everything I already have to deal with, well... I'm just glad to have one less thing to worry about :)

Thank you Andrea... Thank you Dr. Salit... Thank you Dr. Rajimi... Thanks Mom <3

xxx

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Happy Bunnie!

Here I am & This is me!

I may be a young lady who enjoys getting dolled up, wears high heels and will quickly slap on some makeup and lipstick before running out to the grocery store. But it doesn't mean I don't enjoy going "au natural!"

Taken at this very moment, just for you! : P

2010 Reaper Awards

There's nothing wrong with being glamorous, prissy and getting all fancy for no particular reason... Just as there's nothing wrong with going out in the bare flesh for a special occasion! Some people are puzzled by my lack of fitting into a particular label. "Is she a spoiled, glamour doll? Or is she a tough nature chick?" Why not both? I've never been one to fit into any particular label, nor do I think anybody should. 

2005

How I dress and how I choose to present myself are based solely on how I feel in the moment and what I'm in the mood to wear and see myself as. It has absolutely nothing to do with what other people think of me, or how I want them to think of me. It's just how I feel!

May 2011 with my little niece Nora

Who cares what anyone else thinks? It's my life and I'll spend every day making myself the person I want to be, or see myself as. I might feel bare and naked one day and the next I feel like playing with all of my makeup! It's just what I feel like doing. Though I may have TONS of super dolled up makeup photos with my hair curled and everything's beautiful, I also find myself to be my most beautiful when I have nothing on at all... I think it's important for all of us to feel that way.

It's so silly how men think that women dress for them! Whenever a man tells me about why he thinks I'm dressed a certain way, I'm thinking... "You can't be serious?"

Yes... It was a bit chilly... But guess what?! I actually have nipples!

I dress for myself and that is that. Why else should I want to wear a tight dress and high heels? For a man? For a woman? No boys... I know this is very hard for you to believe, but that simply isn't so.

"I don't know about you Miss Kitty, but I'm feeling so much yummier...."

So why do I dress up in a sexual way? Because I am proud of my body and I am proud of my sexuality! I'm not "asking" for anything! I'm simply enjoying myself ; ) Ladies... there is nothing wrong with that.

When I wear a skirt, I wear it because It's warm outside or because I want to feel free and open or because simply... it's just plain cute!

Betsey Johnson knows how to give my girls the support they need!

It is NOT however an invitation for anyone to come on to me, pawing at me and assume that I'm some horny slut... my goodness... SO WHAT if you can see my cleavage?!

My breasts are beautiful, spectacular, soft and most of all... they're mine : ) NOT YOURS... Don't blame me if you can't control yourself because you see a nice rack in the front and a cute booty in the back... Most men have the ability to do so, why not you? So you keep your filthy hands to yourself!

For those that think I'd be better off covering myself up... You need to spend a day in my body. I get just as much of attention when I where baggy jeans and a sweatshirt as I do when I'm wearing a mini skirt and lipstick. It has nothing to do with what you're wearing, it's only perceived that way... Trust me...

From Marilyn Monroe to Michelle Rodriguez...
The female body is a beautiful work of art no matter what shape or size.

Fashion, makeup, shoes... It's all about expressing yourself and how you feel. A woman should never have to defend what she's wearing. (Unless it's roadkill... There's just no excuse for wearing fur.)

Michael Davis and Danny Griffith on my 21st Birthday. (You can touch me only if I give you permission)

Same goes to men! Gay or straight! I think men should be allowed to wear skirts and dresses or whatever they like without judgment! Why should a man in a dress be criticized? Unfair, I say... Men should be able to show their appreciation for their own bodies as well. Go-on wearing your tight shirts... I'm not complaining... Anyone else that does is simply jealous or uncomfortable with themselves.  So men, whether you're gay, straight, bi or anything in between, you have my support in being yourselves and wearing whatever you want :)

Saturn Awards 2011

 Did you know? There are actually people out there who will think less of a girl if she makes a funny face? Shocking... I know... but It's true! It's completely absurd, but they're out there nonetheless... I have come across quite a few people who just become turned off by me because I'm someone who has no problem making fun of myself and doing wacky, stupid things like making ridiculous faces!

This is my scrinchie-pouty-bunnie face.

Making my doggie face.

Sitting on the lawn in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris... <3

Sleeping upright during my super drugged up tonsillectomy recovery

During my, hopefully last, tonsillitis infection!

What? ...I enjoy eating a tasty pie first thing in the morning, don't you?

Well, all I can say is... good riddance! If you're the type of person that finds me less attractive because I'm having a funny moment, making my "catfish" face or because I do something that makes me "less perfect" then I really don't have room for you in my life... I honestly don't... You would be a much happier person if you freed yourself of such superficiality.

Jake and Shannon. Cool peeps that think I'm beautiful no matter what I look like.

Whether I feel like roughing it, being a rock star, going natural or dressing like a Barbie doll is my own business! The number one person we should be dressing for is ourselves!

The Tim Burton Me

The Barbie Me

The Grunge Me

Yes, I spent all this time on myself for YOUR approval... People are so baffling. The only approval we really want is from ourselves! That's where "self confidence" truly comes from anyways.

 I don't care what you look like or how you like to dress. Do what makes you happy! As long as you're happy with the way that you look and you truly love yourself, it will show and radiate from the inside out.

No make up! But how can you not radiate beauty when you're in Rome... <3

  It doesn't matter how tiny, how fit, how pretty you are on the outside, none of that matters if you don't feel it on the inside. Inner beauty trumps all. I've never felt more beautiful in my entire life than I have on the inside... Taking good care of your body and loving yourself is the key to true beauty.

Puppy love!

*Stockings & Stitches*

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Emma Bunnie