Girl With The Creature Tattoo: best friend

Today I was given the ashes and paw print that belonged to my dog Carson. He passed away in the early evening on July 28th.

Our last Halloween...2010

"R.I.P. Carson Jacobs. ♥ You gave me 14 amazing years of your life. Coming home tonight and not having to clean up after you, give you your pills and not having to wake up in the middle of the night to pick you up when you've fallen will be and has been so heartbreaking already... You were ready to move on, but I wasn't ready to let you go. There's not enough for me to say... You were unconditionally loved by so many, none of us were ready to let you go, but we knew we had to. I love you so much. My "handsome", my "grampa", my "baby-boy" You'll be in my heart forever. Thank you ♥"

His favorite place

I never cared about having to clean up his messes or pick up after him. It just broke my heard seeing him fall all of the time and in the last week, I would wake up every night to his cries. I'd never heard him scream before. It was horrible... I just wish that he didn't have to be in so much pain. We didn't know what to do. Was it time? Does he just need stronger medicine? Is there more we can do?

After being up with him all night on Wednesday, I took him into the vet to see what we could do. On the ride there, he started to panic. I wasn't sure if it was because he was in pain or if it was because he knew where he was going... He was screaming by the time I pulled into the parking lot. I jumped out of the car, ran over to his side and rushed him up the stairs into the VCA. I went up to the receptionist and just started to cry. Explaining to her that he has a tumor on his lungs, he's in pain and he's been screaming more and more the last few days. She took him to the emergency doctor and had me wait in a room. Boy did I feel bad for the doctor who had to come into the room with me already in tears...

Dr. Plenn came in, I was already sobbing, he was so apologetic and sympathetic. He gave me all of the options of what they can do to help him. But no matter what they would be able to do, he still wouldn't be here for much longer. Do we put him through surgery, risking his life, so that he can have a pacemaker put in, only to have him pass on a few days later? He had been with us for 14 years, developed muscular dystrophy, suffered from dementia and had a tumor on his lungs.

How do you know when it's time? It's strange, but to someone who's not involved, it's very clear that the answer would be euthanasia and should have been for a while... But it's not something you want to accept... Carson was ready to leave, but we didn't want to see him go... The doctors said, "When he stops eating and when he stops going outside... that's when you know"

Carson was always so strong, he held on to the bitter end. He ate less and less, but he still attempted to eat something. He would always go outside if we opened the door for him... He loved enjoying the front yard as much as he could. But even doing so, he was still ready to leave. He was only holding on for us... He was only going through this pain to be here for us... I feel so awful for letting him stay here in pain. But when you're so close with the situation, it's hard to see it clearly.

Having taken him to the hospital and talking with the Dr. Plenn. He would call me every hour to give me an update on Carsons condition, what we should do and how soon we should utilize our options. The night before, we had talked about putting him to sleep as an option and I also mentioned that to the doctor. At one point during the day, Dr. Plenn called me to tell me that at this point Carson was in too much pain to go on and it would be best to come to the hospital as soon as we can to be with him.

I rushed to the vet to see him. My mom and sisters were on their way to get there as soon as they could. They took me into the comfort room and brought him in with me while we were waited for the others to arrive. Seeing how rapidly he descended into such pain was astonishing. It was time. He couldn't possibly be in anymore pain. Everything was prepared for when the rest of the family got here. I didn't want to believe that this would be the last time I would ever see him... But he passed on. Peacefully and quietly in the end.

Imagining my life without him is almost impossible. Even though he's been gone for 2 weeks, I still feel like I'm going to see him again and that he's just temporarily gone. It's hard seeing his favorite place to sleep so empty. Going to make them their meals and still taking out 3 plates, when there's only 2 of them now... It breaks my heart... again and again...

Today, a woman from Very Important Pets came to bring Carsons over in his urn and was accompanied by a nice certificate and a beautiful poem. They had also made a mold of his paw print... so sweet... It's nice to have him be so well taken care of in his transition.